In a very strange place

I finally graduated from nursing school. It feels strange to actually be done, and to have absolutely nothing that I HAVE to do…except wait around until it is time to take the boards. I feel confident about it, and have been studying here and there, but I hope that the confidence I’m feeling doesn’t come back to bite me in the butt later.

On top of this strange feeling of being a graduate, I have this overwhelmingly hopeless feeling about getting my A1c into “baby making range”. It just doesn’t seem like it is ever going to happen for me, and I can’t understand why it is so difficult.

As you may know, I was working my butt off (or at least it felt like I was) to get my A1C down from the 7.6 it was at my last appointment in October. Well, I am not sure what my body is doing and what I am doing that is so horribly wrong…but my A1c went up. I cried the entire appointment, all the way home and then for a long time afterward.I felt…I still feel..like such a failure. It’s hard to hear that your body is not a safe place to grow a baby when that is what you want more than anything in the world.

But, now I am going to stop moping and try to start over. I have to figure out what is keeping my A1c from being where it needs to be…and I need to be realistic about it. I know it sounds ignorant, but I honestly thought my A1c was lower. I really felt that I was seeing more numbers in range than out of it…I have no idea how I let myself look past the bad numbers so often. It’s embarrassing.

No more high carb meals, no more cheating…no more rewarding myself with something sweet when I have a good number, because that obviously isn’t doing me any favors. I need to be consistent…I need to be strict. I need to stop thinking that because I read about my friends eating pizza and having great A1c’s that I can do it and have the same result. I need to stop glazing over my bad blood sugar days, because obviously there’s more of them then I let myself believe. I need an overhaul diabetes-wise, because what I’m doing now isn’t working for me and I need to find out what does. I’m so, so, so tired of feeling defeated by this.

Logging lows

I have a very bad habit.

I don’t follow the 15-15 rule.

I know they set out these guidelines because it’s the best way to treat your low without sending your blood sugars to the moon afterward. I know that I should be following it…especially if I’m trying to get my blood sugars in baby making range.

However, when I am in the trenches of a middle of the night low, I panic. All common sense and treatment knowledge goes out the window. I feel like I’m never going to come up, three minutes feels like thirty…and instead of just waiting for my 4 glucose tablets to kick in, after about 5 minutes my foggy low blood sugar brain decides that I also need juice…and maybe some crackers, peanut butter or cookies, and basically everything in my entire fridge.

We all know this type of consumption leads to a very ugly number on my meter… and hours of chasing that blood sugar. And me inevitably doing this deal:

Image courtesy of my husband (and wherever that cartoon man originally came from)

I bring this up because since logging my blood sugars and actually paying attention to what the graph on my Dexcom is showing me, I’ve noticed that a good portion of my highs (which there considerably less of, but are still VERY frustrating) are the result of over-correcting a low. I think there are a lot of Type 1′s out there that have been through this. There is just something about a middle of the night low that I can’t just treat and wait  for it to rise into an acceptable range. And I know that eating more isn’t going to bring me up faster.

Is it because, hey it’s the middle of the night and nobody is going to see me eat that brownie…or five?

Is it because of the fear of falling into too low of a low while I sleep and never waking up?

Or is it simply because I’m still half asleep when I treat these things and just further disoriented from the low?

I’m definitely going to try and break the habit, and try harder to stick with the 15-15 rule. I think just being aware of the problem is going to help some. And of course, preventing lows in the first place.

Averages…

My 90 day average is sitting at 157 mg/dL. I looked up an A1C calculator online and the estimated A1C is 7.1%…if this is true, then I’m down from the 7.6% at my last endo visit (I know this is estimated, but I wanted some sort of idea of where I am).

My 60 day average is better, at 144 mg/dL. The A1C thingy tells me that’s about a 6.6%.

My numbers have been doing much better the past couple of months, but every now and then I get 200 something that just WON’T come down, and it frustrates the ever living shit out of me.

I need my A1C to be under 7, guys. If I go into one more appointment feeling like I’m on the right track, eating right, weighing my food, correcting a high as soon as possible, exercising, wearing my Dexcom and testing 8-10 times a day and its still over 7%, I may just loose my mind. If what I’ve been doing hasn’t made a huge difference, then I’m not sure what else I can do.

My husband and I are ready to make a baby. And I’m trying SO hard to get my body ready for that. I know that we shouldn’t be putting so much of our worth onto that number…but I want that green light.

 

Nursing school coming to a close and other exciting things

I have an exciting few months ahead of me.

I have ONE LAST GRADED TEST in nursing school!! It’s Monday…and it’s mostly on diabetes! THANK YOU all blogs Type 1 and 2. After this last test, I have a leadership class that mainly consists of a preceptorship (like an internship) and some papers and a presentation. My preceptorship is in Mom/Baby and the NICU, and I couldn’t be more excited! I can’t believe graduation is so close…I feel like wearing my Ninja Nurse shirt everyday from here on out (the ninja nurse is a nickname my classmates gave me after my husband and I dressed up as ninjas and posted pictures of us ninja fighting and doing other ninja things on facebook…see below).

Nursing school has been the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I have lost my sanity over and over again and I’ve felt like a complete idiot more often than not. Most of my days for the last couple of years have been spent either studying or crying (or at least it seems that way.) There have been days that I’ve actually pumped my fist in the air after passing a test. There have been days after a test that I’ve come dangerously close to throwing the computer out the school window after seeing my grade.  I’ve made lifelong friends. There have been a few times where I locked myself in the hospital bathroom and broken down, questioning over and over if I had what it takes to be a nurse. Nursing is not just passing meds and bandaging people up; It’s also about doing the the “dirty work”, being on top of things in order to notice when something has changed in your patient, it’s being a detective and a healer…and sometimes it’s about it’s witnessing things that break your heart, keeping it together for the sake of the person you are taking care of, and providing families and patients alike with the support they need…whether its someone to be mad at, someone to talk to, or offering your shoulder to cry on. Being a student nurse means that you do all of this, while spending countless hours studying, missing out on quality time with your loved ones, getting a 76.4 and failing the test, being so stressed out that you alternate between crying and laughing, hear call lights while you are trying to fall asleep at night and leaning on the people who you can’t believe were strangers to you just under two years ago. But when the patient and their family say that I made a difference to them…when the friends I’ve made tell me that I’ve made their day just a little brighter…it is all worth it. At least that’s my point of view

Anyway, some other things going on besides the preceptorship: Graduation and pinning in May, The Color Run and me and the hub’s three year anniversary- also in May, Mexico at the end of July, and hopefully getting pregnant soon after.

At this moment in time, I’m counting my blessings.

Trying to get the changes to stick

When I came back from Hawaii, I started eating healthier.

Granted, there are days that I eat like complete shit (like after a failed test, maybe?)…but overall my eating habits have changed for the better. I canceled my endo appointment in January…I just didn’t want to see the my A1C and face the inevitable depression that follows it. I know that skipping an appointment is never a good thing, but I still have to do my basal testing and am really trying to get on logging those blood sugars. I knew I wasn’t giving my endo very much to go off of in the ways of what we could change, so I’m trying to do better, and we will see where that takes me.

While the changes in my diet have been easier than I thought it would be, exercise still seems to be the thing that I can’t seem to stick with consistently. I’m not sure if it’s because the FINAL semester of nursing school is zapping me of all my energy or what. I guess I’ll keep trying to stick to a schedule and see what happens.

Random thing I don’t like about diabetes…

When my pump decides to fly out of my pocket while my hands are full.

It never fails!

My first Friday 5

1) I’m listening to:

A Fine Frenzy and all that pops up on their Pandora station. I really LOVE all of her songs.

2) I’m reading:

About 20 chapters in my GINORMOUS med-surg nursing book and the Saunders NCLEX review…my first exam for my LAST med -surg course is on Monday…send good vibes my way if you have any to spare!! When I am on spring break, I’m definitely going to check out “Heaven is For Real”. Until March…all leisurely reading is on hold

3) I’m lusting after:

This ring, but with different stones: Super Awesome Ring. And as always, Robert Buckley (sorry Munk! )

4) I’m wishing for:

Calm nerves during this first exam, and the focus to buckle down and get serious about the information I’ve been reading…I haven’t been as committed to studying as I normally am, and I blame Pintrest. And Facebook. And my adorable puppy and hilarious husband. Seriously, I want to do anything BUT study.

5) I’m drooling over:

SPAGHETTI SQUASH!! I just discovered it, and I love it. Its so easy to cook. I just drizzle a little Olive Oil over it with salt and pepper after its done baking and its perfect. I’ve been eating it with baked tilapia over it. A wonderful replacement for actual pasta.

Changing it up

Before I left for Hawaii, I was a wreck.

I was depressed. Severely depressed for months… and I don’t know why. I didn’t want to get out of bed or my pajamas, and I only left the apartment for school or to go out drinking…it has not been easy for me and I can’t explain why, but I needed something to change. So, I decided to focus on my health…to make changes to live a healthier lifestyle in the hopes that this dark cloud following me would leave me alone for awhile. Special thanks and all my love to my husband who stood by me and loved me despite me being a ghost the last several months…I love you Munkie!

Some of the changes I’ve made? I’ve been exercising at least an hour most days of the week. Whether its running, walking my pup, taking a spin class or body pump class, lifting weights or yoga (I’ve just started)…I’m moving. Trying to get the endorphins flowing and trying to keep momentum. For almost a year I’ve been hitting the gym, but it became less important as sleep became more important the last few months.

I’ve also adjusted my diet to include more fruits and veggies, and am attempting a gluten free lifestyle. It has been easier than I thought it would be. For whatever reason, MY blood sugar behaves badly after consuming food with gluten (that and my belly bloats enough to look like I’m 4 months pregnant…no joke.) After nearly 6 years with diabetes and never having an A1c under 7%, its become pretty clear that I can’t pull off eating certain things the way a lot of my other diabetic friends can. I’ve worked with my doctor and we’ve changed up my insulin to carb ratios but it seems the only thing that keeps my blood sugar from spiking to 250 mg/dL is to eat meals with about 25 grams of carb or less. It’s harder to do when I eat things like pasta and bread. Maybe its because I lack self control and just eat large proportions…but whatever the reason, its easier for me to eat more veggies and less carbs being gluten free.

Since going gluten free, weighing my food, and exercising more, my blood sugars have rarely made it into the 200′s . And when it has, its been because of  forgetting to bolus, over-correcting a low, or running a lower temp basal for too long after a workout. I know that it hasn’t been long enough with these numbers (especially since the freakin’ numbers I had in Hawaii) to see a difference in my A1C this next appointment in a couple of weeks, but I’m interested to see how the one after this one looks. Here’s to hopin’.

I’m cooking at home a lot more which means less dining out and overall less calories and less money spent. When I started cooking more over the summer, I was able to get my cholesterol down despite forgetting to take my Lipitor most days and my doctor discontinued it. That encouraged me to keep it up, and now I’m trying new, healthier recipes.

Its only been a few weeks, but I have more energy. I’m sleeping when I’m actually supposed to sleep (read- during the night). I used to have leg pains at night, but they’ve been absent lately. I don’t know what it is, but I feel motivated right now.

I feel good.

I know my next A1C is going to suck…but for the first time in a long time I feel like I know what I can do to get things where they are supposed to be. I don’t feel as powerless, and feeling good enough to get out of bed in the morning instead of in the evening (yes, I was sleeping all day). Depression doesn’t just disappear overnight, and honestly I don’t know how to get rid of it, but its been better. Much better.

…at least for now. Hopefully these changes make a dent in my A1C in the next few months.

Hawaii

My trip to Hawaii was amazing, and it was so needed. With the exception of the absence of my husband and bullshit blood sugars, the trip was better than I could have hoped for.

While there wasn’t drama surrounding diabetes on my trip, my blood sugars were far from acceptable. I tried temp basals (first +10%, then +20%) but they didn’t seem to make a dent in the highs that lingered my entire stay. And two weeks is a long time for such shitty numbers. I wore my Dexcom the entire time (lost and found it twice) and tried to eat healthy, and despite my nonstop activity (paddleboarding, swimming, snorkeling, and hiking to name a few) I just couldn’t get my numbers down. I was never disconnected for more than 30 minutes. I changed my site more times than I would have liked, and changed insulin vials. Injections for corrections helped some, but they didn’t quite bring me back down to where a correction should have.

While frustrating at times, the D didn’t get me down on my trip. I was able to see so many things! We stayed in Kauai, Maui and Lanai. We went out on a catamaran for free, watched sunsets every night in Lanai and spent new years in Maui. I made amazing new friends and at times I laughed so hard that I cried. I heard my husband’s voice everyday on the phone. I took hundreds of pictures. I got the shit scared out of me by some fish. I was rained on while paddleboarding in Hanalei Bay. I played in the sand.

And as soon as I got back to Denver, my blood sugars stabilized. I can’t figure it out!

I loved Hawaii, but I’m happy to be home. And I’m happy that those crap numbers didn’t follow me back here.

Stressed out!

Christmas is just around the corner, and as a super special Christmas gift, my school has suspended my financial aid! I received a letter from them saying that I was no longer eligible, and that my final semester would not be covered. I am keeping my hopes up though, several of the nursing students were given the notice and have to make an appeal. Because of the pre-reqs for nursing combined with the program the two year degree takes about 4 years to complete! Add that to a 3 and a half year wait list! BUT, I’m down to the FINAL semester of my ADN and I am excited. Hopefully, financial aid comes through so that I can actually FINISH. Then onward to my BSN hopefully

Needless to say the $$ situation at school has me a bit stressed out.

My trip to Hawaii is coming up just after the Holiday. We are flying standby to San Fransisco on the 26th and then on to Kauai on the 27th. I really hope seats are available for us, because I need this vacation. With school stressing me out for the last year and a half, I could really use a nice relaxing vacation away from it all. However, flying standby comes with its own stress.

See you all in 2012!